Assertive Communication: 20 Helpful Tips
January 31st, 2008 by admin
Most of us know that assertiveness will get you further in life than being passive or aggressive. But few of us were actually taught how to be assertive. Here are some helpful tips.
1. Choose the right time. Imagine you’re dashing down the hall on your way to a meeting. Lisa passes by. You call out, “Can you have the Microsoft project out by Tuesday?” Because you haven’t scheduled a special time to bring up the issue, Lisa has no reason to think your request deserves high priority.
2. Choose the right place. Discuss important issues in a private, neutral location.
3. Be direct. For example, “Lisa, I would like you to work overtime on the Microsoft project.” Whether or not Lisa likes your request, she respects you for your directness.
4. Say “I,” not “we.” Instead of saying, “We need the project by Tuesday,” say, “I would like you to finish the project by Tuesday.”
5. Be specific. Instead of, “Put a rush on the Microsoft project,” say, “I would like the Microsoft project finished and on Joe’s desk by 9:00 Tuesday morning.”
6. Use body language to emphasize your words. “Lisa, I need that report Tuesday morning,” is an assertive statement. But if you mumble this statement while staring at the floor, you undermine your message.
7. Confirm your request. Ask your staff to take notes at meetings. At the end of each meeting, ask your group to repeat back the specifics that were agreed upon. This minimizes miscommunication.
8. Stand up for yourself. Don’t allow others to take advantage of you; insist on being treated fairly. Here are a few examples: “I was here first,” “I’d like more coffee, please,” “Excuse me, but I have another appointment,” “Please turn down the radio,” or “This steak is well done, but I asked for medium rare.”
9. Learn to be friendly with people you would like to know better. Do not avoid people because you don’t know what to say. Smile at people. Convey that you are happy to see them.
10. Express your opinions honestly. When you disagree with someone, do not pretend to agree. When you are asked to do something unreasonable, ask for an explanation.
11. Share your experiences and opinions. When you have done something worthwhile, let others know about it.
12. Learn to accept kind words. When someone compliments you, say, “Thank you.”
13. Maintain eye contact when you are in a conversation.
14. Don’t get personal. When expressing annoyance or criticism, comment on the person’s behavior rather than attacking the person. For example: “Please don’t talk to me that way,” rather than, “What kind of jerk are you?”
15. Use “I” statements when commenting on another’s behavior. For example: “When you cancel social arrangements at the last minute, it’s extremely inconvenient and I feel really annoyed.”
16. State what you want. If appropriate, ask for another behavior. (“I think we’d better sit down and try to figure out how we can make plans together and cut down on this kind of problem.”)
17. Look for good examples. Pay attention to assertive people and model your behavior after theirs.
18. Start slowly. Express your assertiveness in low-anxiety situations at first; don’t leap into a highly emotional situation until you have more confidence. Most people don’t learn new skills overnight.
19. Reward yourself each time you push yourself to formulate an assertive response. Do this regardless of the response from the other person.
20. Don’t put yourself down when you behave passively or aggressively. Instead, identify where you went off course and learn how to improve.
by Garrett Coan
Garrett Coan is a professional therapist, coach, and pscyhotherapist. His two New Jersey office locations are accessible to individuals who reside in Bergen County, Rockland County, Essex County, Passaic County and Manhattan. He also offers online and telephone counseling services. He can be accessed through http://www.creativecounselors.com or at 201-303-4303.
Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Garrett_Coan
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Assertive Communication - An Anger Management Technique
January 28th, 2008 by admin
Our client, Aaron, told us that in his family they typically yell at one another to get the point across. Aaron recently got in a relationship with a woman who told him that his anger ’scares’ her when he gets upset. Aaron’s reply was that he was not upset, this was ‘just the way I am used to expressing myself when I get upset, this is normal for me’. The reality is that what might be ‘normal’ for you and your family of origin may not be the ‘norm’ in terms of communicating effectively with others. Aaron’s style of communication is aggressive, but he didn’t realize the impact it had on his girlfriend. Aaron had to learn about his style of communication as well as other styles of communication to understand the kind of changes he needed to make. By learning to become more assertive, Aaron felt better, his needs got met more of the time, and his girlfriend no longer feared him when he did get upset.
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Assertive Communication
January 25th, 2008 by admin
One of the most common areas for development that arises when coaching executives is the need for more assertiveness. The problem is that “assertive” is often confused with “aggressive” or dictatorial.
Those that subscribe to an aggressive style to produce results may well deliver the goods in the short term. However, over the long term, team members will feel disrespected, become demoralized and look for opportunities outside the organisation. The longer term outcome is a steady decline in results as attrition rates climb, which also affects members of related departments as they see their colleagues being victims of aggressive or bullying behaviour. Such behaviour is a common career derailer, particularly for those in senior positions or those who are highly ambitious.
At the other end of the spectrum are passive managers. Managers who fail to assert themselves have a similar, negative impact on morale and productivity. Passive managers can be indecisive, poor mentors, uninspiring and equally as damaging as Mr. Aggressive. Team members working for a passive manager may find it hard to gain support for their ideas and initiatives, be uncertain about where their focus should be and concerned about the ability of their manager to represent their needs and concerns at senior level.
Assertive managers are able to lead, direct and motivate without the need to bang the table, play the dictator or criticize their direct reports. Some managers however, hesitate to embrace assertiveness because they mistakenly equate it to aggressive behaviour. Assertiveness and aggression are two entirely different things. Whilst aggression is emotional and counter-productive, assertiveness is all about clarity of communication and intent. An assertive statement or request has five key elements:
1/ It is not open to misinterpretation.
2/ There is absolute clarity of what the speaker requires from the listener.
3/ It is free of negative or aggressive emotion.
4/ Body language is congruent with the spoken words.
5/ Words used and body language show respect to the receiver.
As well as enabling a manager to give clear, unequivocal direction and leadership, assertiveness has an important role to play in giving positive motivational messages to team members. Compare the following two statements:
“Jim, well done on the ABC company project”.
“Jim, I’m really impressed with the way you concluded the ABC project. Your powers of diplomacy at senior level with the customer where exemplary. Well done”.
Which one will have the greater impact on Jim? The first statement is congratulatory but is more of a throw away comment. It is praise and therefore somewhat motivational, but look at the power of the second statement. It conveys a greater level of appreciation but more than that, also points out a particular skill that Jim has demonstrated. Does Jim know exactly what he excelled at by the second statement? What skill is Jim going to focus on developing further? How much confidence will he have in his powers of diplomacy the next time he is put in critical situation with a customer? This is an example of the positive, motivational power of assertive communication.
On the other side of the coin, managers sometimes need to correct team members’ errors or tackle poor performance. Assertive communication is key in giving constructive feedback to improve performance and provide direction. Consider the two following statements:
“Bob, that report you produced was just a load of waffle. It’s no use to me. Do it again”.
“Bob, the report you produced needs more facts and statistics to be impactful. I would like you to redo it split into three chapters, history of the business to date, current situation and projections up to 2008. Include graphs of revenue and profit in each chapter. I need it to be completed by next Friday. I hope everything is clear but if not, please let me know?”
The first statement merely tells Bob he’s done a bad job and has not met expectations. It tells him nothing about what needs to be done to correct his error. The second statement points out exactly what has gone wrong, what needs to be done and how to put things right. Which statement is the more respectful towards Bob? Which statement is going to help Bob with report writing in the future?
Another situation where assertiveness is essential is the ability to say “no” to requests from colleagues. A frequent complaint from my clients is that they are constantly interrupted by people wandering into their office and wanting time to discuss an issue there and then. Typically they react in one of two ways. One is to say, in an impatient tone of voice, “I’m sorry I’m up to my eyes here. No time. It will have to wait”. [Aggressive]. The other approach is to say, “OK. What’s the problem?” [Passive] In the first instance the person wanting attention goes away feeling that they are unimportant and somewhat offended by the unconditional rejection. In the second, the manager relents and is diverted from the task they were focused on, ending up with impromptu discussions that steal time from priority work.
The assertive manager handles interruptions by saying, “I have some priority tasks I need to deal with right now and I should be finished by lunchtime. If you come back at 2pm we’ll shut the door and you’ll have my full attention. Is that OK?” The assertive response shuts down the interruption but at the same time shows respect for the individual and the issue they want to discuss. Of course, the response that comes back might be, “But it will only take a minute.” The assertive repost is to restate the initial invitation to come back at 2pm making sure that tone and expression match the positive intention of the words.
Body language is also an important component of assertiveness. As any seminar on communication skills will tell you, 70%+ of what people receive from our messages is through body language. In assertive communication both verbal and body language must match to be effective. Keep in mind the following when it comes to assertive body language:
•Friendly facial expression to show respect to the listener. [But be careful not to smile widely when dealing with a serious situation.]
•Maintain eye contact to show that you are actively listening to the other person.
•Adopt a relaxed but upright stance when making your assertive statement.
•Keep your hands in an open position, arms not crossed nor hands clasped in front of you conveying a defensive or apologetic signal.
Whether you are communicating up the hierarchy, downwards or with peers in the organisation, assertiveness in appropriate situations will win you friends and supporters. With practice and when used wisely, assertive behaviour can motivate, reduce communication errors, save time and make for a happier and more productive working environment.
by Dennis Heath
An original article by Dennis Heath, Managing Director of WayAhead Leadership Solutions Pte Ltd, first published in June 2006. The WayAhead web site can be found at: http://www.wayahead.com.sg
Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Dennis_Heath
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4 Steps to Being More Assertive
January 22nd, 2008 by admin
45 year old Judy revealed in an anger management class that she was constantly angry at her husband. When asked why, she revealed that her aged mother lives next door and she always felt conflicted whether to spend time with her husband or her mother after work.
She loved them both, but resented her husband’s becoming demanding and upset when she spent needed time with her mother instead of being with him. Judy revealed that she dealt with the situation by ignoring her husband when he expressed displeasure - with disastrous results. These included constant bickering and tension in the home as well as emotional distance from each other.
How much better the outcome would have been had Judy used basic skills of assertive communication.
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2 Easy Exercises to Improve Listening Skills
January 20th, 2008 by admin
listening skills are very important. They help us with maintaining good relations with other people. They are also important in business, workplace and classroom.
When you are in meetings or attending an important lecture, here too they play an important role so that you do not miss out on the important points. Many people do not have good listening skills as they do not pay much importance to it. As a result, they find their attention wavering away easily from the current conversation.
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Self Improvement With Conversational Hypnosis
January 17th, 2008 by admin
Positive change with hypnosis is something that is literally guaranteed. Hypnosis is a highly effective method of transforming a person’s internal dialogue so that they find it easy to eliminate bad habits, or enforce new constructive ones. Hypnosis is a revolutionary approach that can help just about anyone to reach their potential.
To create a positive change with hypnosis is quite simple. Their internal talk just has to be altered from their current state, to a more affirmative state, which can be done with a hypnotist or with self hypnosis cds which can also be very successful. This positive change hypnosis is done from the subconscious level of thought and is embedded into the root of the thoughts that are disempowering us, to literally change every thought branching off – thus making us more effective in whatever area we desire.
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Six Assertive Communication Techniques
January 17th, 2008 by admin
Six techniques for assertive communication
There are six assertive techniques - let’s look at each of them in turn.
1. Behaviour Rehearsal: which is literally practising how you want to look and sound. It is a very useful technique when you first want to use “I” statements, as it helps dissipate any emotion associated with an experience and allows you to accurately identify the behaviour you wish to confront.
2. Repeated Assertion (the ‘broken record’): this technique allows you to feel comfortable by ignoring manipulative verbal side traps, argumentative baiting and irrelevant logic while sticking to your point. To most effectively use this technique use calm repetition, and say what you want and stay focused on the issue. You’ll find that there is no need to rehearse this technique, and no need to ‘hype yourself up’ to deal with others.
Example:
“I would like to show you some of our products”
“No thank you, I’m not interested”
“I really have a great range to offer you”
“That may be true, but I’m not interested at the moment”
“Is there someone else here who would be interested?”
“I don’t want any of these products”
“Okay, would you take this brochure and think about it?”
“Yes, I will take a brochure”
“Thank you”
“You’re welcome”
3. Fogging: this technique allows you to receive criticism comfortably, without getting anxious or defensive, and without rewarding manipulative criticism. To do this you need to acknowledge the criticism, agree that there may be some truth to what they say, but remain the judge of your choice of action. An example of this could be, “I agree that there are probably times when I don’t give you answers to your questions.
4. Negative enquiry: this technique seeks out criticism about yourself in close relationships by prompting the expression of honest, negative feelings to improve communication. To use if effectively you need to listen for critical comments, clarify your understanding of those criticisms, use the information if it will be helpful or ignore the information if it is manipulative. An example of this technique would be, “So you think/believe that I am not interested?”
5. Negative assertion: this technique lets you look more comfortably at negatives in your own behaviour or personality without feeling defensive or anxious, this also reduces your critics’ hostility. You should accept your errors or faults, but not apologise. Instead, tentatively and sympathetically agree with hostile criticism of your negative qualities. An example would be, “Yes, you’re right. I don’t always listen closely to what you have to say.”
6. Workable compromise: when you feel that your self-respect is not in question, consider a workable compromise with the other person. You can always bargain for your material goals unless the compromise affects your personal feelings of self-respect. However, if the end goal involves a matter of your self-worth and self-respect, THERE CAN BE NO COMPROMISE. An example of this technique would be, “I understand that you have a need to talk and I need to finish what I’m doing. So what about meeting in half an hour?”
Conclusion
Assertiveness is a useful communication tool. It’s application is contextual and it’s not appropriate to be assertive in all situations. Remember, your sudden use of assertiveness may be perceived as an act of aggression by others. There’s also no guarantee of success, even when you use assertive communication styles appropriately.
“Nothing on earth can stop the individual with the right mental attitude from achieving their goal; nothing on earth can hel p the individual with the wrong mental attitude” W.W. Ziege
Taken from Assertive communication- 6 Tips for Effective Use
by Lee Hopkins
When you match consumer psychology with effective communication styles you get a powerful combination. Lee Hopkins can show you how to communicate better for better business results. At Hopkins-Business-Communication-Training.com you can find the secrets to communication success.Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Lee_Hopkins
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NLP Training Courses - Learn How to perform NLP techniques?
January 17th, 2008 by admin
Neuro Linguistic Programming or NLP has made its recognition in almost every human sector including the education, business, law and sports. NLP is another form of psychotherapy and psychotherapists around the world are considering these techniques highly valuable. They use these techniques to solve the problems of the people who come to them to change or fix some area of their lives modifying their internal language to reprogram their internal system.
The meta-model NLP method consists of specifying questions or language patterns designed to challenge and expand them limits to a person’s model of the world. This involves processes of detecting the distortion, deletions and generalizations from the understanding of the patient. The NLP method tries to find out the reasons behind patient’s condition and then to modify the meaning of the event.
To see how and where NLP can be applicable, let’s look at an instance of a person with post traumatic disorder. This person might have a question why some incident has happen to him only. A psychotherapist will find out what is the understanding of the event in patients mind, then employ the NLP method to alter the meaning of the event so that is something more logical and manageable to the patient.
Anyone who is interested in helping others should employ NLP techniques into their own life. Knowing these techniques will be useful in your life to guide someone who’s confused and in need of someone who can show him the proper way. Also NLP plays an important role in schools, for building relationship, in jobs and career building. To gain NLP training you can join NLP training courses run by accredited training centers. If you want to do detailed study of NLP, an NLP Practitioner Course training will be ideal for you. With Neuro Linguistic Programming you will have the opportunity to work on your own self-development. You will learn that there is no limit to what you can do with your life.
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The Characteristics of Assertive Communication
January 15th, 2008 by admin
Characteristics of assertive communication
There are six main characteristics of assertive communication. These are:
-Eye contact: demonstrates interest, shows sincerity
-Body posture: congruent body language will improve the significance of the message
-Gestures: appropriate gestures help to add emphasis
-Voice: a level, well modulated tone is more convincing and acceptable, and is not intimidating
-Timing: use your judgement to maximise receptivity and impact
-Content: how, where and when you choose to comment is probably more important than WHAT you say
The importance of “I” statements
Part of being assertive involves the ability to appropriately express your needs and feelings. You can accomplish this by using “I” statements. These indicate ownership, do not attribute blame, focuses on behaviour, identifies the effect of behaviour, is direcdt and honest, and contributes to the growth of your relationship with each other.
Strong “I” statements have three specific elements:
-Behaviour
-Feeling
-Tangible effect (consequence to you)
Example: “I feel frustrated when you are late for meetings. I don’t like having to repeat information.”
Taken from Assertive communication- 6 Tips for Effective Use
by Lee Hopkins
When you match consumer psychology with effective communication styles you get a powerful combination. Lee Hopkins can show you how to communicate better for better business results. At Hopkins-Business-Communication-Training.com you can find the secrets to communication success.Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Lee_Hopkins
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Four Communication Styles
January 14th, 2008 by admin
What assertive communication is not…
Assertive communication is definately NOT a lifestyle! It’s NOT a guarantee that you will get what you want. It’s definately NOT an acceptable style of communication with everyone, but at least it’s NOT being aggressive.
But it IS about choice
Four behavioural choices
There are, as I see it, four choices you can make about which style of communication you can employ. These types are:
direct aggression: bossy, arrogant, bulldozing, intolerant, opinionated, and overbearing
indirect aggression: sarcastic, deceiving, ambiguous, insinuating, manipulative, and guilt-inducing
submissive: wailing, moaning, helpless, passive, indecisive, and apologetic
assertive: direct, honest, accepting, responsible, and spontaneousTaken from Assertive communication- 6 Tips for Effective Use
by Lee HopkinsWhen you match consumer psychology with effective communication styles you get a powerful combination. Lee Hopkins can show you how to communicate better for better business results. At Hopkins-Business-Communication-Training.com you can find the secrets to communication success.Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Lee_Hopkins
Category: Assertive Communication | No Comments »
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