Effective communication starts with listening. Here are some ways to improve your listening skills and become and attentive listener.
There are generic aspects to consider when discussing the topic of listening, and although this posting is going to deal with the importance of listening in a negotiation context, what is written here can be applied cross-contextually.
It is possible to identify three pitfalls of poor listening:
First of all, many people believe that negotiating has as its central function, the art of persuasion, and that persuading means talking.
They see talking as an active role and listening as a passive role.
What these people forget is that persuasion is extremely difficult when you don’t know what motivates the person you are trying to persuade.
The second pitfall is that poor listeners tend to concentrate on what they have to say rather than on what the other party is saying, and they use their listening time, preparing for when it is their turn to speak.
In so doing, they fail to pay attention to information that could be vital later in the negotiation.
Many accomplished negotiators are very comfortable with silence and use it to their advantage.
And finally, people let their emotional filters prevent them from hearing what they do not want to hear, and from seeing what they do not want to see.
Words are only a small part of any message, in actual fact they comprise only 7% of the communication experience.
Intonation or tonality is factored at 38%, and nonverbal communication or the physiology of a person at 55%.
Good listeners and observers know how to minimize the effect of their emotional filters so that they can as objectively as possibly evaluate the true position of the other party.
So what are attentive listening skills?
Being motivated to listen
Knowing that the person with the most information is usually the person in control of a situation should give you an incentive to be a better listener.
It is also wise to set goals for the amount and type of information you hope to receive from your counterpart.
The more you listen, the more you learn, the better off you will be.
When speaking, ask questions to find out what the other party expects
You have to continually be asking questions to get specific and gain useful information to discover the needs and goals of your counterpart.
By moving from broad to narrow questions, you will eventually acquire the information needed to make the best decision.
Be alert to nonverbal cues
As critical as it is to listen to what the other party has to say, it is equally important to understand the attitudes and motives behind what is said; remember the value of physiology is 55% of the communication process.
In any form of communication, it is not wise to put too much value on words for the communicator usually does not put his whole communication in this format.
For example, the verbal message may indicate agreement, but the physiology may show doubt.
Let your counterpart start the conversation with his story first
It is important that you find out what their position is before you put your cards on the table.
Do not interrupt when your counterpart is speaking
Apart from the fact that it is rude, it is likely to prevent the speaker from revealing information that could be valuable to you later.
People usually need some time to warm up, build rapport and trust before opening up.
Even if you think that what your counterpart has said is inaccurate, do not interrupt.
Some of the most vital information during a negotiation will come when your counterpart disagrees with you or shares something that surprises you, allow this to happen without interrupting.
If you really listen, rather than interrupting, you’ll get very insightful information.
Avoid being distracted
Distractions are like interruptions, they prevent the negotiation from proceeding smoothly, and they often cause setbacks.
When negotiating, try to create an environment in which you can think clearly and be aware that employees, peers, children, animals, and phones are distractions that will take your focus off the task at hand.
Do not rely on your memory
Whenever you are told something in a negotiation, write it down; this will avoid conflicting information later.
Keeping effective records builds trust and affirms your credibility as a professional.
Writing things down only takes a short time which is later saved when there are discrepancies in recall.
Listen with a goal in mind
If you have a listening goal, you can look for words and nonverbal cues for information you are seeking.
When you hear revealing information, you can expand on that by asking further questions.
Look your counterpart in the eye
This point needs to be culture sensitive. In Western cultures, the perception is that a person is trustworthy if they look you in the eye.
This also shows that you are giving the person your undivided attention.
A further bonus is that you will be able to see if there have been any internal shifts in the emotional state of your counterparts indicating something that was just said has caused a change internally.
With people exercising situational values and with the mixed values in people today, astuteness and caution are necessary.
React to the message, not the person
It is helpful to appreciate why a person is saying what they are saying. Each person in the negotiation is trying to move the relationships for their best interest according to their model of the world.
Check for understanding, and be empathetic. How would you react if in their position?
If you do react negatively to words or actions, make sure you attack the message not the person.
Never get angry, keep your cool
When you get angry you hand over control to your counterpart. Anger does now allow the best decisions to be made.
There is a saying: Act in haste, repent in leisure.
Emotion of any kind hinders clarity of decision-making. You may make gestures as though you are angry, but your emotions must be in control.
It is impossible to listen and speak at the same time
If you are speaking, you are not getting information from the other party, which you will need. Learn the frame of reference your counterpart is operating from before you go into details.
When you are in control, you are in the driver’s seat.
For a negotiation to have a permanent win-win feel, each party must feel that the outcome is fair for all concerned.
Each party must feel that they have been heard and that their contribution has been valuable.
In a previous posting on NLP Presuppositions, Part 5, one of the beliefs is thatthe meaning of the communication is the response that you get. This places the responsibility for the direction of the negotiation squarely on each person involved.
by Gloria Hamilten
Gloria M Hamilten is a recognized authority in disciplines within Personal Development and Corporate trainings, and in Neuro-Linguistic Programming.
She has her own training business, and conducts courses for Businesses, Sporting groups and Educational Institutions in Australia.
Her professional experience covers over 30 years of study, research, one-on-one coaching, group coaching, presentations and workshops. Her clientele includes children as well as adults.
Gloria is the author of the well-received eBook: “Hypnosis De-hyped.”
Her website provide a wealth of informative articles and resources on everything within these genres. Visit her websites:
http://www.connect4results.com
http://neuro-linguistic-pro-site.com
This article may be freely reprinted or distributed in its entirety in any e-zine, newsletter, or website. The author’s name, bio and website links must remain intact and be included with every reproduction.
Category: Improve Listening Skills |
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January 5th, 2008 by admin
The best was to improve your relationships and communication is to develop your listening skills. Here are six methods to develop into an excellent listener.
6 Simple Steps to Developing Your listening Skills
Listening is one of the most highly prized skills in the work place. Yet unlike reading and writing, we are never taught how to listen. Improving your listening skills can make a huge difference both at work and more generally in relationships. Given that you are not trained in listening, what simple steps can you take straight away to develop these skills?
Start Noticing
Chances are that in business you attend a lot of meetings. It is likely that in those meetings there is a lot of talking but not a lot of listening. People believe that if they are talking they are contributing. They therefore make remarks just to feel like they are contributing.
Start noticing how much time you and your team put into listening in the work place.
Avoid Interrupting
How often do you see someone in full flow explaining something important when another person interrupts them? Chances are that you (and indeed all of us) interrupt from time from time to time. The problem is:
• The other person is less likely to listen to you
• If you interrupt when another person is in mid flow they lose their train of thought
Set yourself a challenge of not interrupting and see what difference it makes to your contributions and quality of decisions.
Stop Finishing Other Peoples Sentences
Sometimes it can be helpful to fill in gaps for someone if they are stuck. Do it too often and it becomes a real irritation. Even worse, you could end up putting your foot in it and reminding the other party of something that they may have forgotten about (like a time the service was not as good as they would not have liked).
Stop Trying To Points Score
How often you have been asked a question and then as you give your answer, the other person starts to tell you what they believe is an even better story related to them? If you ask someone a question, by all means share your experiences to build rapport, but not to appear superior.
Don’t Jump In Too Quickly
On many occasions people just want to be heard. They are not looking for your advice or suggestions. A common mistake that many people make when it comes to listening is to jump in too quickly offering their view. Make sure that you have given the other person the opportunity to be heard and only then offer your suggestions.
Reflect Back
When listening, it is often useful to reflect back in your own words what you understand from what has been said. The key benefits of reflecting back include:
• The other party recognises that the listener is trying to understand
• It allows the opportunity to clarify
Listening is a highly sought after attribute in managers and leaders. By making some simple changes, you can start to excel in this area.
by Duncan Brodie
Duncan Brodie helps managers and leaders to achieve their true potential. Sign up today for his free monthly newsletter at http://www.goalsandachievements.co.uk
Category: Improve Listening Skills |
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January 2nd, 2008 by admin
Here are some important skills to develop to become an effective interpersonal communicator.
8 Simple Ways to Effective Interpersonal Communication
Effective interpersonal communication creates a feeling of community and intimacy where everyone’s contributions are valued. It leads to proper understanding, sometimes on a deep level, depending upon the circumstances of the communication. To have really effective interpersonal communication you need to make use of a set of skills and knowledge and to evaluate these and update your communication skills from time to time.
Interpersonal communication has a dual purpose of presentation and representation. Representation is the basic words we use and the meaning we portray; people sometimes tend to think that this is all there is to communication and they forget that how they present their message defines them and their relationships with others too.
It is in this latter purpose of communication (presentation) that misunderstandings can arise. This happens when people fail to understand the message being conveyed, or when people fail to make their audience understand; both sides of this are important as the people in a conversation all carry joint responsibility in uncovering and understanding the true meaning of a communication.
Some useful skills for making sure you have really effective interpersonal communication are:
1. Refer to your listener by name. This makes people feel valued and appreciated; it also ensures that they know that you are talking specifically to them; it alerts them to that fact and encourages them to concentrate upon your message. If they are listening more closely to you, you are more likely to be understood.
2. Adapt your message to your listener(s). The message may have to be conveyed differently according to the role and status of the listener, as well as their level of understanding. Different parts of your message will hold special importance for certain groups of people so you may want to adapt your message so that these things are emphasized for a particular group. Making your message relevant to your audience is just the hook you will need to make people start listening to you.
3. The call to action may differ according to who your audience members are, because everyone has different responsibilities. If you have something that you want your audience to do after listening to you, be explicit about this; make it clear what you want them to do, without being too dictatorial about it.
4. Make sure you include all the information that is necessary in order to make yourself and your message understood. If you can repeat your message and illustrate it in different ways, so much the better, as members of your audience will all understand things in different ways.
5. Avoid jumping to early conclusions. Listen to the whole message first if you are not the one doing the main talking. If you think you have the idea of the conversation very early on, often you will find that you will switch off or at least not listen so attentively to the rest of the message and this is one area where mistakes are often made.
6. Be aware of any assumptions you are making; are they correct? Will your audience understand your assumptions or do you need to communicate to them too, for effective communication? You should always try to judge how you are being interpreted by others too. Ask questions and mirror back what people seem to be saying to you, paraphrased, so that you can check that you have the correct understanding. This also shows that you care about how the other person is feeling; they will warm to you and you will ease communication with them.
7. You should ‘own’ your message, using terms such as ‘I’ and ‘my’; this makes your communication sound more genuine and sincere.
8. You should learn to express your feelings as that can make them clearer to you as well as to other people.
If you keep in mind these few tips and you try to practice them in your interactions with other people, you will see that you soon develop much more effective interpersonal communication, both as a speaker and a listener.
by Peter Murphy
Peter Murphy is a peak performance expert. He recently produced a very popular free report: 10 Simple Steps to Developing Communication Confidence. Apply now because it is available only at: conversation starters
Category: Interpersonal Communication Skills |
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