Learning how to effectively communicate will deepen your intimacy with your loved ones. Clear communication, and the other person feeling that you have listened to them, and that they feel heard deepens your relationship.
listening Skills For the Happily Married - 7 Ways to Improve Your Relationships Without Saying Much
Almost all couples come into counseling and report poor communication with their loved one. They are usually not looking for someone to just hear their words or listen absently, but to share their experience, their view of world. This sharing of experience validates their existence and their value. “The first duty of love is to listen” (Paul Tillich). When we feel truly listened to, validated, our spirit soars and we can relax or grow or change or be.
A lack of true and intimate communication can lead to loneliness, a sense of isolation and ultimately anger at the person we hold dearest. It cuts to our core need for connection, to be known as we are.
“Deep listening is miraculous for both listener and speaker. When someone receives us with open-hearted, non-judging, intensely interested listening, our spirits expand.”
Sue Patton Thoele
However, we don’t converse in ways that allow this to happen. We are trained to converse from an adversarial position. Many things get in the way. Our own thoughts and agenda, assumptions and preconceived ideas, and our own emotional reactivity to what our partner is saying can block our ability to truly hear what is being said.
Here are some tips to improve your ability to listen to your partner. What you get in return will be a more satisfying and open relationship.
1. Make eye contact. The words we use to express our views are only a small percentage of communication. To send a message to your partner that you are truly paying attention, make eye contact. Lean into them, soften your facial expression, and keep your body stance open and non-judgmental.
2. Focus on what is being said and its underlying meaning. Good listeners do not spend their listening time preparing their defense or trying to correct what is being said. Good listeners first attempt to hear the words and then the underlying meaning of what is being said, even when they may disagree with the content. Steven Covey says, “seek first to understand” what your partner is saying. This is easier said than done because it calls for you to suspend your own needs and focus on the needs of your partner. It calls for you to temporarily put your need to correct the facts, defend yourself, or judge your partner’s statements aside while you focus on understanding.
3. Mirror and validate what is being expressed. Mirroring your partner’s facial expressions, body language, and words is part of the reciprocal nature of a conversation. It is almost a dance that lets your partner know you understand what is being said. The ultimate in mirroring occurs when a healthy parent is responding to an infant. They mimic the child’s facial expressions, noises, and emotions, letting the child know he or she is not alone. Through this process, the infant can grow and develop. It is the same with your partner. You can each grow and develop through the process of providing an empathic ear to one another. When you validate you respect what is being said and ultimately felt, even if you may not agree with the content.
4. Manage your reactions. Strong reactions to your partner usually result from a disagreement in what is being stated. You may become emotionally reactive because they said something that you experienced as hurtful, fearful, or shameful. However, understanding, compromise, and resolution cannot result until each party is heard and understood. This goes back to a temporary suspension of your own needs and if only for a few moments, existing only for your partner. Your turn will come, but if that is your primary focus, you will not extend an empathic ear and will ultimately not “get” your partner.
5. Avoid making assumptions. Even couples that are just learning to communicate often make assumptions about what the other will say. Maybe this is a result of earlier hurtful experiences, but making assumptions cuts your partner off and does not allow them to fully express themselves. Even if you do know what your partner will say, he or she needs to say it.
6. Empathy, empathy, empathy. Empathy is the ability to experience the emotional content of another human being. Ron Shaffer describes empathy as “the inner experience of sharing in and comprehending the momentary psychological state of another person. By accepting your partner’s feelings in a nonjudgmental manner, you will create an open and safe environment. For true intimacy to occur, a safe environment in which to be heard must exist engaged between couples. Empathy is the basis for growth and change. It is what a mother provides her infant daughter; it is what a therapist provides his client; and it is the element that allows us to grow and change. Empathy is transformative.
7. Be polite and kind. Rather then shining light on your partner’s weaknesses, focus on his or her strengths. Be gentle with weaknesses, and sometimes they melt away. Focusing on weaknesses strengthens them and leads to bitterness and anger. Avoid interruptions, negative facial expressions, and giving only partial attention. Treat your partner in the ways you would like to be treated - with respect and dignity.
The transformative nature of good listening can be an amazing aspect of a healthy relationship. We are drawn to and keep people close who make us feel worthy, valuable, and understood. These skills will enhance not only your primary relationship, but also your relationship with your children and co-workers.
by Stephanie Chupein
STEPHANIE C. CHUPEIN, M.Ed.
LICENSED CLINICAL MARRIAGE AND FAMILY THERAPIST 8288 Telegraph Road, Suite A Odenton, MD 21113 443-909-0013 stephanie.chupein@comcast.net
http://www.sc-mft.com
http://buildingcompassionaterelationships.blogspot.com
Category: Effective Family Communication |
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March 22nd, 2008 by admin
Communication has been a part of society since times immemorial. It is shocking then, that people still fail to understand each other correctly at times. How often do we argue with somebody simply because we misunderstood what they had meant in the first place?
It is definitely a myth that some can communicate better than others simply because they are blessed with better skills. At the same time it is true that some people cannot communicate as well as others thanks to handicaps. However, communication can be fine tuned through practice in any case.
In fact, people who have disabilities work at their communication skills harder than others, and shame them by communicating much better than them at times.
A. The power of perception is a key factor in improving your communication skills. Try and perceive in your mind how you think of an issue before you try and convince someone else about it. At the same time, try and be a little objective as well - not everybody perceives the same issues in the same way.
Did you know that in countries other than America it is rude to open a present in front of the person who gifted it, because in case you do not like what you see your expression may hurt the person? In America people do just the reverse by opening the presents to show their appreciation. Neither seems incorrect. It is just the way you think about it!
B. Do pay attention to details both with verbal as well as non verbal forms of communication. A comma or decimal could mean a huge different if you were writing on finance, while a gesture like a hand shake could show your sincerity in a meeting. A handshake should be firm and inviting, not a by-the-way formality.
C. Speak from the heart. When you know exactly what a word means you use it with such confidence that the listener is keen to understand more. Non verbal forms of communication like what you wear also play a crucial role in what you are trying to convey. In other words, dress formal when you are speaking on a serious issue, and casual when you are talking about sports is fine.
D. Practice does make perfect, and that holds true in fine tuning your communication skills as well. You could practice speaking in front of a mirror to get visual feedback of your non verbal communication. Similarly, you could speak into a recorder to get feedback of your verbal communication, and make corrections and re-record where applicable. Doing so regularly will no doubt turn you into a great speaker over a period of time.
by Abhishek Agarwal
Abhishek is a self-proclaimed Personality Development Guru and has written several books on this topic! Visit his website http://www.Positive-You.com and Download his FREE Personality Development Report and discover some amazing self-improvement tips for FREE. Become the best you can become and reclaim your life! But hurry, only limited Free copies available.
Category: Effective Communication |
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March 19th, 2008 by admin
Communication is not just about words. In fact words are just a small part of the message being communicated. Get greater insight on the true feelings and intent of a person by learning to read body language.
How To Read Body Language - Top 10 Tips
Interested in learning how to read body language? Would you like to be able to tell when people are lying and understand people’s intentions? This article will provide you with the top 10 tips for reading body language.
I feel Body Language is the most important language you can learn. It bypasses the verbal communication barriers and gives you an insight into what others might be thinking, or what actions they are likely to take.
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Category: Body Language |
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March 17th, 2008 by admin
Communication is the passing of a message from one person to another person or a group of people. To put it another way communication involves people, information and often requires an action to be taken. Communication involves one person passing the message and another person or group receiving the message. This could be speaking and listening, demonstrating and observing, or writing and reading. Communication involves an interchange so at times you might be speaking and at others listening - it is definitely not one way traffic.
Who might you have to communicate with? Individuals can include colleagues, suppliers, and customers, but do you communicate with them all in the same way or do you use a different approach? Very often we have to modify our method of communication depending on who we are talking to. Aside from improving your body language, how can you improve your communication skills? Well here are some ideas.
- Plan effectively and put your ideas in a logical sequence,
- Always try to use clear, concise language,
- Never use negative language, keep it positive,
- Correct use of language think of the level of communication, how much jargon you can use, know your audience and modify your language, where possible keep it simple,
- If you are writing a report use short sentences and keep your paragraphs short and snappy. If your audience will only read the first page then don’t put all your best ideas on page ten. If they only have time to read bullet points then that’s what you need to deliver.
- Use pictures, photos or diagrams wherever possible instead of words to convey your message, and
- Always ask for feedback to make sure that your audience has understood the message you have tried to convey.
Most important of all, don’t think that you know all there is to know - you are only as good as your next conversation, so be prepared!
by Louise Manning
http://thehumanimprint.typepad.com/the_human_imprint/
Category: Effective Communication Skills |
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March 17th, 2008 by admin
Almost everyone can talk from a young age; it is quite a different matter altogether to be able to communicate well. Especially if you are trying to communicate in a work setting or with people you do not know well.
You will really need to develop a few more advanced verbal communication skills in order to get your point across to people and to enable other people to also communicate with you so that you achieve whatever it is that you need to achieve.
Very often, subtle changes in the way you phrase things can greatly improve the effectiveness of your verbal communication. Below are some examples of these subtle aspects of speaking and listening.
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Category: Effective Communication Skills |
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