Effective Communication Skills

Our client, Aaron, told us that in his family they typically yell at one another to get the point across. Aaron recently got in a relationship with a woman who told him that his anger ’scares’ her when he gets upset. Aaron’s reply was that he was not upset, this was ‘just the way I am used to expressing myself when I get upset, this is normal for me’. The reality is that what might be ‘normal’ for you and your family of origin may not be the ‘norm’ in terms of communicating effectively with others. Aaron’s style of communication is aggressive, but he didn’t realize the impact it had on his girlfriend. Aaron had to learn about his style of communication as well as other styles of communication to understand the kind of changes he needed to make. By learning to become more assertive, Aaron felt better, his needs got met more of the time, and his girlfriend no longer feared him when he did get upset.

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45 year old Judy revealed in an anger management class that she was constantly angry at her husband. When asked why, she revealed that her aged mother lives next door and she always felt conflicted whether to spend time with her husband or her mother after work.
She loved them both, but resented her husband’s becoming demanding and upset when she spent needed time with her mother instead of being with him. Judy revealed that she dealt with the situation by ignoring her husband when he expressed displeasure - with disastrous results. These included constant bickering and tension in the home as well as emotional distance from each other.
How much better the outcome would have been had Judy used basic skills of assertive communication.

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Six techniques for assertive communication

There are six assertive techniques - let’s look at each of them in turn.
1. Behaviour Rehearsal: which is literally practising how you want to look and sound. It is a very useful technique when you first want to use “I” statements, as it helps dissipate any emotion associated with an experience and allows you to accurately identify the behaviour you wish to confront.
2. Repeated Assertion (the ‘broken record’): this technique allows you to feel comfortable by ignoring manipulative verbal side traps, argumentative baiting and irrelevant logic while sticking to your point. To most effectively use this technique use calm repetition, and say what you want and stay focused on the issue. You’ll find that there is no need to rehearse this technique, and no need to ‘hype yourself up’ to deal with others.

Example:

“I would like to show you some of our products”
“No thank you, I’m not interested”
“I really have a great range to offer you”
“That may be true, but I’m not interested at the moment”
“Is there someone else here who would be interested?”
“I don’t want any of these products”
“Okay, would you take this brochure and think about it?”
“Yes, I will take a brochure”
“Thank you”
“You’re welcome”

3. Fogging: this technique allows you to receive criticism comfortably, without getting anxious or defensive, and without rewarding manipulative criticism. To do this you need to acknowledge the criticism, agree that there may be some truth to what they say, but remain the judge of your choice of action. An example of this could be, “I agree that there are probably times when I don’t give you answers to your questions.

4. Negative enquiry: this technique seeks out criticism about yourself in close relationships by prompting the expression of honest, negative feelings to improve communication. To use if effectively you need to listen for critical comments, clarify your understanding of those criticisms, use the information if it will be helpful or ignore the information if it is manipulative. An example of this technique would be, “So you think/believe that I am not interested?”

5. Negative assertion: this technique lets you look more comfortably at negatives in your own behaviour or personality without feeling defensive or anxious, this also reduces your critics’ hostility. You should accept your errors or faults, but not apologise. Instead, tentatively and sympathetically agree with hostile criticism of your negative qualities. An example would be, “Yes, you’re right. I don’t always listen closely to what you have to say.”

6. Workable compromise: when you feel that your self-respect is not in question, consider a workable compromise with the other person. You can always bargain for your material goals unless the compromise affects your personal feelings of self-respect. However, if the end goal involves a matter of your self-worth and self-respect, THERE CAN BE NO COMPROMISE. An example of this technique would be, “I understand that you have a need to talk and I need to finish what I’m doing. So what about meeting in half an hour?”

Conclusion

Assertiveness is a useful communication tool. It’s application is contextual and it’s not appropriate to be assertive in all situations. Remember, your sudden use of assertiveness may be perceived as an act of aggression by others. There’s also no guarantee of success, even when you use assertive communication styles appropriately.

“Nothing on earth can stop the individual with the right mental attitude from achieving their goal; nothing on earth can hel p the individual with the wrong mental attitude” W.W. Ziege

Taken from Assertive communication- 6 Tips for Effective Use
by Lee Hopkins
When you match consumer psychology with effective communication styles you get a powerful combination. Lee Hopkins can show you how to communicate better for better business results. At Hopkins-Business-Communication-Training.com you can find the secrets to communication success.Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Lee_Hopkins

Characteristics of assertive communication

There are six main characteristics of assertive communication. These are:

-Eye contact: demonstrates interest, shows sincerity

-Body posture: congruent body language will improve the significance of the message

-Gestures: appropriate gestures help to add emphasis

-Voice: a level, well modulated tone is more convincing and acceptable, and is not intimidating

-Timing: use your judgement to maximise receptivity and impact

-Content: how, where and when you choose to comment is probably more important than WHAT you say

The importance of “I” statements

Part of being assertive involves the ability to appropriately express your needs and feelings. You can accomplish this by using “I” statements. These indicate ownership, do not attribute blame, focuses on behaviour, identifies the effect of behaviour, is direcdt and honest, and contributes to the growth of your relationship with each other.
Strong “I” statements have three specific elements:

-Behaviour

-Feeling

-Tangible effect (consequence to you)

Example: “I feel frustrated when you are late for meetings. I don’t like having to repeat information.”
Taken from Assertive communication- 6 Tips for Effective Use
by Lee Hopkins
When you match consumer psychology with effective communication styles you get a powerful combination. Lee Hopkins can show you how to communicate better for better business results. At Hopkins-Business-Communication-Training.com you can find the secrets to communication success.Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Lee_Hopkins

What assertive communication is not…

Assertive communication is definately NOT a lifestyle! It’s NOT a guarantee that you will get what you want. It’s definately NOT an acceptable style of communication with everyone, but at least it’s NOT being aggressive.
But it IS about choice

Four behavioural choices

There are, as I see it, four choices you can make about which style of communication you can employ. These types are:

direct aggression: bossy, arrogant, bulldozing, intolerant, opinionated, and overbearing
indirect aggression: sarcastic, deceiving, ambiguous, insinuating, manipulative, and guilt-inducing
submissive: wailing, moaning, helpless, passive, indecisive, and apologetic
assertive: direct, honest, accepting, responsible, and spontaneous

Taken from Assertive communication- 6 Tips for Effective Use
by Lee Hopkins

When you match consumer psychology with effective communication styles you get a powerful combination. Lee Hopkins can show you how to communicate better for better business results. At Hopkins-Business-Communication-Training.com you can find the secrets to communication success.Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Lee_Hopkins

The Advantages of Assertive Communication

There are many advantages of assertive communication, most notably these:

-It helps us feel good about ourselves and others

-It leads to the development of mutual respect with others

-It increases our self-esteem

-It helps us achieve our goals

-It minimises hurting and alienating other people

-It reduces anxiety

-It protects us from being taken advantage of by others

-It enables us to make decisions and free choices in life

-It enables us to express, both verbally and non-verbally, a wide range of feelings and thoughts, both positive and negative
There are, of course, disadvantages…

Disadvantages of assertive communication

Others may not approve of this style of communication, or may not approve of the views you express. Also, having a healthy regard for another person’s rights means that you won’t always get what YOU want. You may also find out that you were wrong about a viewpoint that you held. But most importantly, as mentioned earlier, it involves the risk that others may not understand and therefore not accept this style of communication.

Taken from Assertive communication- 6 Tips for Effective Use
by Lee Hopkins

When you match consumer psychology with effective communication styles you get a powerful combination. Lee Hopkins can show you how to communicate better for better business results. At Hopkins-Business-Communication-Training.com you can find the secrets to communication success.Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Lee_Hopkins

What IS assertive communication?

Assertive communication is the ability to express positive and negative ideas and feelings in an open, honest and direct way. It recognises our rights whilst still respecting the rights of others. It allows us to take responsibility for ourselves and our actions without judging or blaming other people. And it allows us to constructively confront and find a mutually satisfying solution where conflict exists.

So Why use Assertive Communication?

All of us use assertive behaviour at times… quite often when we feel vulnerable or unsure of ourselves we may resort to submissive, manipulative or aggressive behaviour.
Yet being trained in assertive communication actually increases the appropriate use of this sort of behaviour. It enables us to swap old behaviour patterns for a more positive approach to life. I’ve found that changing my response to others (be they work colleagues, clients or even my own family) can be exciting and stimulating.

Extract from Assertive communication- 6 Tips for Effective Use
by Lee Hopkins

When you match consumer psychology with effective communication styles you get a powerful combination. Lee Hopkins can show you how to communicate better for better business results. At Hopkins-Business-Communication-Training.com you can find the secrets to communication success.Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Lee_Hopkins

People often have impractical and sentimental beliefs about communication. Communication, they say, must be straight from the heart. It is not a matter of improving communication skills, but rather of feeling empathy for the other person. As a successful businessman, however, I realize that empathy is one of the most pernicious and persistent obstacles to successful. You can and must improve communication skills, not just for success in business, but for success in every area of your life.

People who try their best to speak from the heart are often tongue-tied and unable to see where there interests lie. Those of us who focus on how to improve communication skills, however, do not become hung up on preconceived notions of fairness, equal speaking time, or equal speaking power. It is the responsibility of each person in a communication to speak up for their own interests, not to watch out for the interests of the other person. The other person is more than capable of watching out for his own interests.

Improving communication skills will not only help you in business, but also in other areas of life. People who have not improved communication skills often end up compromising on issues that they could win otherwise. Until I went through a course to improve communication skills, I used to argue with my girlfriends all the time. Sometimes, I even had to admit that I was wrong when I felt that they should have gone along with my perspective. But now, thanks to my improve communication skills books and seminars, I am able to state my opinion in a way that is almost impossible to argue with. It is only a matter of moments before anyone I am facing off against comes around to my way of thinking!

Effective communication is particularly challenging when there is a message to communcate that is difficult, and might cause a negative reaction from the other person. An example of this might be disagreeing with someones opinion, or having to addrss inappropriate behaviour. To effectively communicate we need to find the balance between communicating our needs, wants and rights, and at the same time respecting the rights, needs and wants of other people. To be able to get your point across in a clear but non threatening way, and yet still maintain your inner integrity requires developing and practicing the skill set of assertiveness. Through assertive communication you are able to be true to your feelings, expressing what you need and want in any interaction, without the other person feeling personally attacked or threatened.

Assertive communication enables you to be able to set your personal boundaries in an objective rather than subjective way. You can effectively use assertiveness skills to address personally offensive comments or behaviour directed towards you in an inoffensive, but firm manner. You can use assertiveness to bring correction or give negative feedback to someone, in a way that will address the behaviour without causing the other person to respond defensively.

An important skill in assertive communication is to learn to use ‘I’ language rather than ‘You’ language. This is very effective in eliminating any sense of personal attack, and reduces the possibility of a defensive response from the other person. At the same time it enables you to express what you need in an appropriate way.

For Example: You carpool with Mary, a neighbour, to get to work. For the last week Mary has been arriving to pick you up later than the arranged time, and you have been arriving late at work. This has made the day’s start stressful for you, and it has caused some complications and embarrassment at the office. You know you need to address this issue, but you don’t want to hurt her feelings.

To address this with Mary using’ You’ language might sound something like this:

“Mary, you have been late picking me up all week, which has been making me late for work. Please can you be sure to come on time next week?”

This communication style directly points the finger of blame at Mary, and it will certainly generate Mary becoming defensive, and perhaps justifying her lateness. The directness will get your point across, but it could result in some tension or reaction in Mary.

To communicate using “I” language might sound like:

“Mary, it’s important for me to arrive at work on time as people are relying on me to be there to answer the phones. I really need to be there before 8:30, and last week I was late every day. I do appreciate getting a ride to work with you. Is there any way that you can pick up at the agreed time, or a little earlier so I can be at the office by at least 8:25?”

By using “I” language in this way you are able to express what the problem is and what you need the solution to be. At the same time there is no direct accusation towards Mary or sense of reprimand. It is clear, however, what response is needed from Mary and she is given the opportunity to respond understanding the reasons why. The responsibility to be on time is given back to Mary, but she also is left with a sense of control as to whether she will change her behaviour and how she will do that. The issue has been opened up for dialogue in a non threatening way, and created the right platform for a resolution for the problem. If Mary is unwilling or unable to accommodate your request, you have opened to door to find an alternative solution to meet your needs without causing tension or a negative reaction in Mary.

Assertive communication is a great tool to use to increase your freedom to be yourself in relationships and everyday life situations. It enables you to be real, especially when you find yourself in circumstances where there could be conflict or confrontation because you are not feeling respected, or getting your needs met. When you have defined your personal boundaries, assertiveness skills will help you set those boundaries and keep them in place in a objective way while respecting the rights and needs of others.