Effective Communication Skills

While communication is essential to creating and maintaining good relationships, it has to be said that the vast majority of people never get to grips with the skills involved. Its little wonder when you recognize that it’s not something we’re generally taught!

There are, however, many things you can do to make it easier to understand what’s going on and to ensure it’s more likely you’ll enjoy better relationships. Here are a few:

Listen to people - and that means really listening! What often happens in a conversation is that when the other person says something it prompts thoughts in your own mind. You then start developing this thought. You’re bursting to share it with the other person – as soon as THEY stop talking!

Meanwhile, you haven’t been listening to them but formulating what you’re going to say. So - as soon as their mouth stops moving, you jump in. It may not even be a response to what they’ve said because they may have moved on in their conversation, but then how would you know? You haven’t been listening to them - you’ve been listening to your own thoughts.

Chances are you’ve even been unable to contain yourself any longer and you’ve butted in and talked over them. How annoying is it to never be able to finish your sentence or your train of thought?

So let’s look at what a common scenario may be:

Person 1: I’ve had such an awful start to the day. I had a row with Bill at breakfast, and that made me late leaving to take the kids to school. The traffic was heavy so I zipped around the back way and got caught speeding. That made me even later and I’ve got a fine to pay! Then I decided to call in at the supermarket on the way back home, filled a basket, and when I got to the check-out I found I’d forgotten my purse. I was so embarrassed.

Person 2: Oh - I got a speeding ticket a couple of weeks ago. I was….
OR I had a row with Jack last night and…
OR That happened to me once at…

Do these responses show any care or concern for the other person or do they just provide an opportunity for person 2 to talk about her/himself?

Interest is shown by asking questions. If I told you I’ve just been for an interview, got a new car, had a dreadful day, broken up with my partner…. Do you think if you don’t express your concern or ask me any questions that allow me to expand on it I might reasonably feel you don’t care?

Of course, it isn’t enough to just ask questions because that’s what you know you have to do – it needs to come from your genuine interest in and care for people.

A better scenario might be:

Person 1: as before

Person 2: Oh dear, you must be feeling awful? (Pause for response)
OR Will the speeding fine give you problems? (Pause for response)
OR Were the children okay? (Pause for response)
OR I’m sure the people in the supermarket understood – we’ve all done it! (re-assurance.)

So - can you begin to see how conversations can be mis-heard, half-heard and mis-interpreted? Can you see how the other person may feel aggrieved and not listened to? Indeed, have you been on the receiving end of those kinds of conversations?

Exercise:
This exercise is just to get some practice when the subject matter isn’t about anything too important.

Next time you’re with a friend and they talk about something they’ve been doing, somewhere they’ve been, some incident etc. instead of chipping in, start to ask them questions.

For example: they tell you they’ve been to the cinema. Ask them what the film was about, who was in it, did they enjoy it, which cinema was it being shown in, do they go there often etc. etc. Ask them as part of the conversation, don’t make it seem like the third degree, and LISTEN to the responses so you can follow up with further questions.

Perhaps it was an emotional film - see if you can detect different feelings from their voice or manner as they talk about and how they felt about it.

If you’re asked questions during this process, answer them, but go back to putting your focus on your friend.

Show that you are paying attention by nodding your head, having good eye contact, listening without interrupting and asking good questions.

Listen without judgment.

by Maddy Webster

Maddy Webster is the author of ‘Everything You Need To Know About Living A Great Life But Don’t Know Who To Ask’ - Words of Wisdom To Young Adults. http://www.theauthormaddywebster.com

She has worked most of her life in the caring professions - as a youth worker, with people with learning disabilities, with an International NGO, as a counselor, counseling trainer, personal development trainer and mentor. She is a writer, proof reader, copy editor, copy writer, ghost writer, article writer and book reviewer.

This entry was posted on Sunday, February 3rd, 2008 at 9:15 pm and is filed under Effective Communication Skills. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.